Shards of Reality

you looked me up because you saw me somewhere
you wanted to know who i was

you might be shocked by what you find

forcing me to focus this heavily on my mental illness
without the respite of sedation
is
torture

slow
grinding
crushing
torture

and the people who have consigned me to it
will probably never know
or understand
or even care to

it's 11:22am and i'm already fucking exhausted

May 26 Sagittarius: You'll challenge your own excuses and come up with an excellent way to frame things in your own mind. The questions you ask yourself will be important to the outcome. It's better to ask "how" than "why."

uhhh

"universe
why how you do dis"

(strikeout was edited in yesterday
after 'why' just didn't feel right)

this is the soberest i've been in months
if not years

everything has this hard edge to it
i don't remember how to interface w/ this reality

i feel really fucken uncomfortable

holy chao
today didn't suck
that's awesome

my doctor seems to have good days and bad days;
certainly her bad days seem to coincide with
the days i am less willing to lay back and comply
with whatever she prescribes me
(be it drugs or actions)

she put me on some next drug
to deal with the nightmares
and inability to sleep;
apparently it disrupts norepinephrine and adrenaline channels
i'm supposed to take half a pill an hour before bed
it's non-addictive
seems legit

when i left i actually found myself
walking down the street and
smiling
not because of any direct stimulus
but just because i felt ok

then i realized i was doing it and it felt so alien i stopped :/
but hey it was nice for that short while
i don't remember the last time i was just generally happy

yesterday my supervisor from one of my jobs called me
to tell me my shift on tuesday was shortened
from 3-7:30 to 4:30-7:30

today i got a call from sherbourne
there was a cancellation for the psych
and i got bumped up the waiting list
for 2:30
on tuesday

universe
why how you do dis

there's this cafe i go to
with graffiti all over the walls

last year
i wrote a poem
in delicate thin pen;

it was a little hokey:
'you only have one life
one chance to live
one chance to express your youth'
'take chances
break up with people when they mistreat you'
'and remember all good things must end'
'be smart; be patient'
'love like you've never been hurt'

or something

i found myself back there today

someone has scrawled over it in heavy black marker
bitches don't
know about my
dick

at first i wanted to put my fist through the stall wall
then my emotions went even deader
than they were before

wracked by suicidal thoughts today

i don't plan on acting on any of them
but they are incessant anyway

"i want to die" and
"i want my suffering to end"
have become indisposable mantras
ringing in my head

maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel
i think i can sort of see it
if i squint my eyes
and stare deeply
into the abyss

last night i dreamt of being eaten by wolves

ever since i watched that squirrel die
and take its last breath
and beat its last heartbeat
and hang on to every last precious second of existence
despite the fact that it was clearly in pain

i've been paying a lot more attention to my heartbeat

i found a bunch of stems i'd saved

ground them up
and extracted as much thc as i possibly could
from them

did this without a second thought

addiction is a bitch

i've been off marijuana for like
2 or 3 days
last night i cut myself
26 times

then
i laid awake in bed for an hour and a half
that is 90 unique and individual minutes
trying to shut my eyes
to the pain and fear and anger
that boil deep inside me

then i dreamt
that i was at my mother's house
and she had found one of my mirrors
with ketamine residue on it

she got really mad (as did my brother)
and i just wound up hiding in the basement
working harder to conceal my addiction

when i came upstairs
a snowstorm had ripped through the house
torn open the doors and broke the windows
and filled the house with snow

i tried to help clean up
but there was too much of it
and when i looked up
everyone was gone

then somehow
a bear had gotten into the house
it started charging at me up from the basement
so i closed the basement door and held it shut
but that didn't really stop it;
it put its claws through the door
and scarred my hands
i opened the door
and punched it in the nose a bunch of times
but that only made it angrier

somehow then
in some twist of dream logic and luck
it was distracted by some electrical wiring;
i telepathically commanded it to touch the wiring
and it did
and was electrocuted
and fell down the stairs
(this would be the cutting)

later it came back looking for me
but i hid under a blanket
shaking and cold

i dunno this doesn't seem particularly hard to interpret for me