( THE LIST )
December 25th, 2009
November 26th, 2009
Had a really really rough week.
Feeling better today.
Picking up the pieces, putting them back together.
Feeling better today.
Picking up the pieces, putting them back together.
okayNovember 22nd, 2009
happyNovember 21st, 2009
Really shitty most of the time, incredibly rewarding on occasion.
highNovember 20th, 2009
pleased
flirtyNovember 19th, 2009
The past couple weeks have been extremely hard for me.
So, I mentioned once an agency called C2Y [Connect2Youth], which I do seasonal gigs with. We're a group of youth who have had experience in various capacities within "The System" who were trained in dramatization and effective constructive criticism in order to facilitate roleplaying workshops with agencies on tolerance, compassion, relationship-building, and intervention techniques; the current client being Humber College's 1st-year Child and Youth Services programme. We also put on a panel discussion where the students can ask us about our experiences with social agencies or marginalization at large.
This year, we are working with six different classes within the Interventions programme, doing three workshops each, playing 2-5 scenarios per workshop. To date, I have played the roles of someone who has been outed at school and is being rejected by her peers, a bulimic, someone who is self-harming, and someone who is being abused- several times each. I've been through the first three. I've sat through my co-workers' performances as shelter residents, street kids, bullied children, and depression-wrought teenagers who are planning suicide. All four.
I've spoken on panel about my experiences in the shelter system; of the very real horrors of bedbug infestation, and being afraid for my safety every hour of every day for weeks at a time as a noticeably queer kid in an extremely heteronormative and homophobic youth shelter. Of sleeping outside when there's snow on the ground; of being so cold you just wished that you could die and get it over with. Of losing years of my life to cold, grey, emotionless depression. Of getting addicted to drugs and being evicted because I lost control and refused to admit it to myself. Of being trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who would threaten to kill theirself if I broke up with them. Of being taken from my mother by my father and being told that she was a witch and broke up the family and didn't love us and only wanted us so she could take us away from our father who was the one who truly loved us until my brother and I actually believed it. Of staying up after my only friend had fallen asleep, writing a letter to say I was sorry, and trying to slash my wrists with a dull serrated kitchen knife because, to be honest, I didn't actually want to die, I was just in such a shitty station in life- just had a nervous breakdown, lost my job, getting evicted- that I was so terrified of the future that I actually thought that killing myself might actually be less frightening and painful.
This has been my life
for the past 7 weeks.
And it is
so
hard.
I have an incredibly strong support network, which I don't think I'd be able to do this without. Which is good; almost every single student, when asked, in person or on paper, says that this programme has made an incredible impact on them, has hugely altered their perception of the field they're going into, and that they're so happy to have had the experience and sad that we can only do three workshops per class. There are at least a hundred people spanning those six classes. A hundred people who will (and do) share their experiences with their peers and hopefully move on into the field and use what they've learned to enrich the lives of the hundreds or maybe thousands of kids and youth they will cross paths with; or, at the very least, apply what they've learned to their daily life and spread the message through practice.
And so... I can't not do this. This project is so huge. And honestly, I'm learning so much about myself it's actually really deeply humbling. Here I had thought that I had long since addressed and defused all my triggers internally; that I had all these experiences and their respective impacts upon my life tied up and safely tucked away, but no. If I was under this impression, it was because I never actually delved this far into it and really thoroughly reflected upon what actually happened, how I perceived it back then, how I really felt about it- both then and now- and how each event changed both me and my life (which I guess are actually one and the same). It's cathartic; it's healing, but it's healing in a way that re-breaking and resetting unset bones is healing. It fucking hurts now, but I know I'll be stronger for it; and if nothing else, that alone makes it worth it.
So yeah. I just needed to get that out. I'll go back to making periodic posts about how much further I am from finishing this project than I thought I was.
So, I mentioned once an agency called C2Y [Connect2Youth], which I do seasonal gigs with. We're a group of youth who have had experience in various capacities within "The System" who were trained in dramatization and effective constructive criticism in order to facilitate roleplaying workshops with agencies on tolerance, compassion, relationship-building, and intervention techniques; the current client being Humber College's 1st-year Child and Youth Services programme. We also put on a panel discussion where the students can ask us about our experiences with social agencies or marginalization at large.
This year, we are working with six different classes within the Interventions programme, doing three workshops each, playing 2-5 scenarios per workshop. To date, I have played the roles of someone who has been outed at school and is being rejected by her peers, a bulimic, someone who is self-harming, and someone who is being abused- several times each. I've been through the first three. I've sat through my co-workers' performances as shelter residents, street kids, bullied children, and depression-wrought teenagers who are planning suicide. All four.
I've spoken on panel about my experiences in the shelter system; of the very real horrors of bedbug infestation, and being afraid for my safety every hour of every day for weeks at a time as a noticeably queer kid in an extremely heteronormative and homophobic youth shelter. Of sleeping outside when there's snow on the ground; of being so cold you just wished that you could die and get it over with. Of losing years of my life to cold, grey, emotionless depression. Of getting addicted to drugs and being evicted because I lost control and refused to admit it to myself. Of being trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who would threaten to kill theirself if I broke up with them. Of being taken from my mother by my father and being told that she was a witch and broke up the family and didn't love us and only wanted us so she could take us away from our father who was the one who truly loved us until my brother and I actually believed it. Of staying up after my only friend had fallen asleep, writing a letter to say I was sorry, and trying to slash my wrists with a dull serrated kitchen knife because, to be honest, I didn't actually want to die, I was just in such a shitty station in life- just had a nervous breakdown, lost my job, getting evicted- that I was so terrified of the future that I actually thought that killing myself might actually be less frightening and painful.
This has been my life
for the past 7 weeks.
And it is
so
hard.
I have an incredibly strong support network, which I don't think I'd be able to do this without. Which is good; almost every single student, when asked, in person or on paper, says that this programme has made an incredible impact on them, has hugely altered their perception of the field they're going into, and that they're so happy to have had the experience and sad that we can only do three workshops per class. There are at least a hundred people spanning those six classes. A hundred people who will (and do) share their experiences with their peers and hopefully move on into the field and use what they've learned to enrich the lives of the hundreds or maybe thousands of kids and youth they will cross paths with; or, at the very least, apply what they've learned to their daily life and spread the message through practice.
And so... I can't not do this. This project is so huge. And honestly, I'm learning so much about myself it's actually really deeply humbling. Here I had thought that I had long since addressed and defused all my triggers internally; that I had all these experiences and their respective impacts upon my life tied up and safely tucked away, but no. If I was under this impression, it was because I never actually delved this far into it and really thoroughly reflected upon what actually happened, how I perceived it back then, how I really felt about it- both then and now- and how each event changed both me and my life (which I guess are actually one and the same). It's cathartic; it's healing, but it's healing in a way that re-breaking and resetting unset bones is healing. It fucking hurts now, but I know I'll be stronger for it; and if nothing else, that alone makes it worth it.
So yeah. I just needed to get that out. I'll go back to making periodic posts about how much further I am from finishing this project than I thought I was.
drainedNovember 18th, 2009
Fuck. It's 5:30am 'cos I'm working the early shift today, which means I have to be at Humber College at 7:30am, and it's an hour subway/bus ride.
Did not have a restful sleep. After going to bed at 11, I spent an hour tossing and turning. From approximately 2:30am to 3:30am I had one huge episode of sleep paralysis, complete with dozens of false awakenings and at least two or three different sets of hallucinated scenarios. In one series of dreams, I went into the kitchen and found a number of people there, having a party. Someone handed me a drink. I had two sips of it, both of them awful, and gave up trying to drink it. Then dizziness set in. My vision started breaking up into dissociative-style fragments and I lost my balance. Someone had to carry me into my room and I had to lay down. I was aware in the dream that I had to be up in a few hours. After several agonizing episodes of paralysis, rapid changes in setting, and (thankfully) only mild sensation of 'presences' being in the room with me, I eventually concluded that someone must have slipped GHB [which has a reputation as a date-rape drug due to its overwhelming interaction with alcohol] into my drink. I also hallucinated temporal distortions of several hours, so in one set I was still half-paralyzed/dissociated and it was 7:00am and I had half an hour to get dressed and make a one-hour transit ride.
I was at least relieved when I awoke at 3:20 and saw the real time.
There were so many instances throughout the night, I can't even write about all of them. In conclusion, paralysis is fucking terrifying and I am kind of out of it.
The end.
Did not have a restful sleep. After going to bed at 11, I spent an hour tossing and turning. From approximately 2:30am to 3:30am I had one huge episode of sleep paralysis, complete with dozens of false awakenings and at least two or three different sets of hallucinated scenarios. In one series of dreams, I went into the kitchen and found a number of people there, having a party. Someone handed me a drink. I had two sips of it, both of them awful, and gave up trying to drink it. Then dizziness set in. My vision started breaking up into dissociative-style fragments and I lost my balance. Someone had to carry me into my room and I had to lay down. I was aware in the dream that I had to be up in a few hours. After several agonizing episodes of paralysis, rapid changes in setting, and (thankfully) only mild sensation of 'presences' being in the room with me, I eventually concluded that someone must have slipped GHB [which has a reputation as a date-rape drug due to its overwhelming interaction with alcohol] into my drink. I also hallucinated temporal distortions of several hours, so in one set I was still half-paralyzed/dissociated and it was 7:00am and I had half an hour to get dressed and make a one-hour transit ride.
I was at least relieved when I awoke at 3:20 and saw the real time.
There were so many instances throughout the night, I can't even write about all of them. In conclusion, paralysis is fucking terrifying and I am kind of out of it.
The end.
weirdNovember 17th, 2009
amusedNovember 16th, 2009
exhausted
perturbedNovember 15th, 2009
So, I asked my roommate Graeme if he could listen to the project so far. I had told him that it was going to be 100% piano solo. He listens to it, laughing gently at the more dynamic changes, and once it's over, takes the headphones off, and says to me: "Really? You're not going to put vocals to that? You have an amazing voice, and you have the opportunity to turn it into something really powerful."
And I paused for a moment, thought about it, and replied. "You're right. You're absolutely right."
...So I'm not almost done anymore.
And I paused for a moment, thought about it, and replied. "You're right. You're absolutely right."
...So I'm not almost done anymore.
determinedLast night after Maus and I got home from Total Request Rave 4 (which was incredible, much to my surprise), we were about to go to bed when my roommate Skatche and his friend Baharak asked to listen to the song I've been working on.
Afterwards, Baharak told me that she had been classically trained as a pianist and had been playing for most of her life, and she had never heard anything like this. I pointed out the 4-part counterpoint, and she said that it is very difficult to do that, and asked me where I learned to do it.
"God", I wanted to say; but 'God' is not the right name. I could conceive of no name for that which inspires me, which I hold sacred, so instead clasped my hands together in prayer and bowed in a show of solemnity.
"The Universe", Skatche translated.
Afterwards, Baharak told me that she had been classically trained as a pianist and had been playing for most of her life, and she had never heard anything like this. I pointed out the 4-part counterpoint, and she said that it is very difficult to do that, and asked me where I learned to do it.
"God", I wanted to say; but 'God' is not the right name. I could conceive of no name for that which inspires me, which I hold sacred, so instead clasped my hands together in prayer and bowed in a show of solemnity.
"The Universe", Skatche translated.
gratefulNovember 14th, 2009
accomplishedNovember 12th, 2009
OhmygodyouguysIjustboughtabrandnewwoolco
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novemberpoetry
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jubilantNovember 11th, 2009
If I achieve what I want to achieve in life, then all of the hardships and trials and pain will have been worth it, and I can rest content.
If I always work my hardest, always strive towards perfection, and live life as wholly as is reasonably possible- taking the joyous and bitter in equal measure- I will have achieved what I want to achieve.
If I always work my hardest, always strive towards perfection, and live life as wholly as is reasonably possible- taking the joyous and bitter in equal measure- I will have achieved what I want to achieve.
contemplative
November 9th, 2009
shockedNovember 8th, 2009
Found this on PostSecret, which is one of the loveliest websites on the whole internet. (In the same league as, say, A Softer World, for beauty, or say, TED, for merit in changing lives.)
I love reading every one of them, but it is rare that I come across one that I find this evocative.
So I was meditating at a rave on 15mg of 2c-i last night when I was struck with the most profound and incredible sensation of being one with all creation. I pushed gently up into and through the Small Dark Light, achieved a short sensation of empty mind followed by losing all notion of self, effectively stripping me of my division between myself and all other existent matter and concept. This state persisted for a couple seconds, just long enough to have a profound impact upon me, before my faculties of thought and reason returned to me and translated into words what I was experiencing. A voice at the top of my mind said to me, calmly, "It is this easy", and I slowly came back down into a mindful state. My brain started immediately dissecting the experience in order to infer as much out of it as possible, so, while it is sad to say it ended so soon, I was able to decipher much of it into memorable code.
I have been absolutely made of joy and wonder and compassion and love ever since.
Man, the government had better hurry up and make this stuff illegal before it does any more damage.
I love reading every one of them, but it is rare that I come across one that I find this evocative.
So I was meditating at a rave on 15mg of 2c-i last night when I was struck with the most profound and incredible sensation of being one with all creation. I pushed gently up into and through the Small Dark Light, achieved a short sensation of empty mind followed by losing all notion of self, effectively stripping me of my division between myself and all other existent matter and concept. This state persisted for a couple seconds, just long enough to have a profound impact upon me, before my faculties of thought and reason returned to me and translated into words what I was experiencing. A voice at the top of my mind said to me, calmly, "It is this easy", and I slowly came back down into a mindful state. My brain started immediately dissecting the experience in order to infer as much out of it as possible, so, while it is sad to say it ended so soon, I was able to decipher much of it into memorable code.
I have been absolutely made of joy and wonder and compassion and love ever since.
Man, the government had better hurry up and make this stuff illegal before it does any more damage.
contentNovember 7th, 2009
Graeme really enjoyed this so I thought I'd share it with ya'll.
"Man, I have so much more energy now than I did a month ago. Back then, if I was this stoned and I thought to myself, 'I'm going to go downstairs after that delicious meal and help do the dishes', my mind would have told me to fuck off. Actually, I guess my body would have. Well, actually- wait, what am I saying? My mind is my body."
"Man, I have so much more energy now than I did a month ago. Back then, if I was this stoned and I thought to myself, 'I'm going to go downstairs after that delicious meal and help do the dishes', my mind would have told me to fuck off. Actually, I guess my body would have. Well, actually- wait, what am I saying? My mind is my body."