proximity
i guess while i'm here i
might as well share another insight
i've come to
chronic pain
is something that i deal with
excruciatingly
there are times
when it will come up on me like a tide
cresting
and wash over me with a hurt that comes
from nowhere
in times like these
there is little that i can do but curl up
into a ball
on the bed
and wait for the wracking full-body pain
to stop
i think of all the symptoms of my disability
this one is by far the most debilitating
the most disabling
and the worst
recently i had a revelation:
i was born in
not an unloving home
but a very very dysfunctional one
with a father who was emotionally abusive
and never more than one fuck-up away
from becoming red-faced and violent
when i first started using ketamine
and in noticing that it seemed to affect me differently than it did my friends
i remarked to one such friend once
"i think i'm just naturally dissociated!"
i had no idea how right i was
for years later
after years of dissociation
multiple personalities
depersonalization
derealization
and all the other hallmarks of dissociative identity disorder
it has only really hit me in the past few years
that most people don't spend the majority of their time
in a broken haze
and i wondered to myself very recently
"could this have anything to do with the pain i experience?"
if
having grown up dissociated
having never known what it was to not be dissociated
and
only just starting to learn how to really feel in the past couple years
could it be
that i am experiencing a level of feeling
of being in touch with both my emotions and my body
that is more intense than anything i've ever felt before in my life?
and if so
could it be
that what i am experiencing as 'pain'
is simply 'feeling' but in the realm of way, way too much?
all i can do is breathe through this
keep breathing
in
and
out
might as well share another insight
i've come to
chronic pain
is something that i deal with
excruciatingly
there are times
when it will come up on me like a tide
cresting
and wash over me with a hurt that comes
from nowhere
in times like these
there is little that i can do but curl up
into a ball
on the bed
and wait for the wracking full-body pain
to stop
i think of all the symptoms of my disability
this one is by far the most debilitating
the most disabling
and the worst
recently i had a revelation:
i was born in
not an unloving home
but a very very dysfunctional one
with a father who was emotionally abusive
and never more than one fuck-up away
from becoming red-faced and violent
when i first started using ketamine
and in noticing that it seemed to affect me differently than it did my friends
i remarked to one such friend once
"i think i'm just naturally dissociated!"
i had no idea how right i was
for years later
after years of dissociation
multiple personalities
depersonalization
derealization
and all the other hallmarks of dissociative identity disorder
it has only really hit me in the past few years
that most people don't spend the majority of their time
in a broken haze
and i wondered to myself very recently
"could this have anything to do with the pain i experience?"
if
having grown up dissociated
having never known what it was to not be dissociated
and
only just starting to learn how to really feel in the past couple years
could it be
that i am experiencing a level of feeling
of being in touch with both my emotions and my body
that is more intense than anything i've ever felt before in my life?
and if so
could it be
that what i am experiencing as 'pain'
is simply 'feeling' but in the realm of way, way too much?
all i can do is breathe through this
keep breathing
in
and
out